Upon the news of Kate Spade’s suicide Monday, I have been in thought about what could’ve have led her to that moment. With all the success, money and notoriety she still must have felt so hopeless. I hope that isn’t an offensive statement to anyone. It’s just my perspective on someone I didn’t personally know. We all have been through great pain-that’s just life, but suicide, at least to me means a complete lack of hope. My heart is heavy for her family and it makes me hurt for the many others that feel like she did.
As I look back on the last 3 years of my life which included my X-husband leaving and my dad having a massive stroke, I actually feel warm thoughts of the path I have walked. When I really contemplate how I felt 3 years ago-the fear, the anger and the disillusionment, I wonder how many of you all are currently in that state. I wanted to try to give a little hope today because I know that if I had had someone say these things to me when I was in the midst of it all, it might have eased my mind just a little-and just a little would have been very much welcomed.
Something I’ve learned is that God knew way before it all happened that He was going to allow it to happen. He also knew what I would need and what it would take to get me through.
As I look back on all that happened, I realize that God had actually prepared me for that season. When detrimental life events happen, it can seem that we are not equipped to get through them. I remember the feeling of being in a thick cloud of smoke-I felt lost and unable to see clearly or find my way out. It was almost as if I couldn’t breath sometimes and the only relief was on my knees in prayer.
I had come to the end of myself and the only option was to give it up to God. When I did that, the most unexplainable peace came over me. Now, I look back and I don’t think I can put into words how that feels. Through these events, God became real to me. He saved me, fought for me and set me on higher ground all while making me stronger, more well rounded and much more compassionate.
I can honestly say, I do not wish I had never gone through the divorce or my father’s stroke because God used those events to sculpt me into more of what He wants me to become. I guess that’s what life is all about-a series of events that groom you to be more like Him. What God allows, is never for nothing.
I have things inside me that weren’t there before-as I mentioned, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that peace that got me though it all-I can still feel it. I now know God’s love for me on a deeper level. His love can be hard to grasp until you’ve been scooped up and pulled from the wreckage and you live to tell about it.
Since that dark summer, God has made beauty from the ashes. He didn’t choose to restore my marriage or completely heal my father but those things aren’t necessary anymore. However, every piece of my life has been restored. Certainly not as it was before, but better. He tore down walls to build a garden gate alive with beauty. My heart had become stoic and cold. I never cried because I just didn’t feel much. I had become unlovable and unapproachable. I now am lighter and freer then I’ve ever been because there is such sweet freedom in coming to the other side of a mountain. Heck, I just cried watching an abused pitbull get a new home!
I say all this to hopefully offer you hope. This is only a season and it will pass. Be gentle on yourself. Love yourself. Allow God to take your tragedy. He allowed it because He has a plan and that plan is to restore you. He’s in control.
I realize that not all of you are believers but I know I was supposed to write this post because at least one of you needs it. God gave me a platform and I never want to miss an opportunity to be an instrument and deliver God’s message.
As always, I so appreciate all of you that follow my blog! Thank you for being part of my journey. I just pray my story is helpful! If you’re new and want to read posts about my divorce, you can find more HERE.
xx, Jenni
